So before the RHONY reunion got started I saw this commercial:
Is this meant to be H. Dubrow and the boy twin, or what? Where is the #hashtag necklace? Really, she’s such a dork.
Anyway, let’s hop to it. It’s reunion time! And yes, I am blazing right past the finale episode, which was a whole lot of nothing other than the glimpse of Skinny B’s new apartment, to the rehashing. Mr. Andy has arranged the women into The Hots and The Nots.
At the left hand of Mr. Andy we have the washed up old bags in their Vanna White Kollection getups; well, but for So Morgan who is wearing SoSoNY.
They all have old lady hair and So’s is a total prom helmet. I thought I heard The Kountess did something new with hers but I see no difference. She is, however, worst dressed at this reunion, which is a bit of a surprise. I am really over this whole couch.
On the right hand we have the swinging youngsters.
Holy haboobies Kristen Taekman! Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?! I don’t entirely understand what is going on with Holla’s green silk bathrobe unless it’s a homage to The Kountess’ “don’t be, all, uncool” hangover look, and while I thought I heard Mr. Andy say Radzi was the best dressed I have to say overall I like Beth’s look most of all. I suspect Mr. Andy wants to be the only one in pants at a reunion. Very, very disappointed with Kristen. I usually love what she’s wearing and I not only do not love this, I hate the hair. IMO Kristen has (had?) the best lob in lobs and now it’s just I don’t know what this is, hopefully extensions. And no bold necklace? Kristen! Don’t give up, there’s still a chance for you!
Assessing this bunch I think I have decided what the mortal weakness is with this franchise: these bitches are OLD. Kristen is 38; she’s the only legitimate “housewife”, and the only one we don’t know entirely too much about at this point. I realize we may know all there is to know, but I like her. Beth is 44, Holla is 45, Doritos and The Kountess are 50, Radzi and So are 51, and Mo is 58! What this means to me is that the one person – Kristen – who can most get away with ridiculous behavior is actually the one least engaged in it. It’s just embarrassing and stale to watch The Golden Girls carry on like this after a while. I know many of The Hots are the ones leaving but I’d like to see the whole Nots couch get replaced. At least Holla is retiring “holla!”, which is very welcome news.
Mr. Andy of course begins with Queen B, because this whole season has basically been Bethenny After Disaster in which she rises again, like a phoenix, to reclaim the city. We’re treated to a montage of Beth Crying, Beth Sassing, Beth Quipping, and Beth Banter. She acknowledges she can be aggressive and abrasive and a know-it-all. Big news. Also, she’s still not divorced after three+ years, which we also all knew, causing So to pipe up from the end of the opposite couch “I’m ten years now!” WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE, SO? No one has asked you a single question about this in any of the times you have brought this up this season or any of the previous ones other than maybe the first one you were on. You were married to an old man, he ditched you, he’ll be dead soon, and there’s nothing more to say about it. NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.
Back to Beth, the real subject of interest here. Beth refers to “the things we can never discuss”, again, thereby discussing and inviting speculation upon The Things, and make some vague references to the mysterious workings of Fame and how it fleets. Beth suggests that when she left Jason he was sad about the loss of fame and wanted to take it away from her, too. It seems to me that there are plenty of opportunities for famewhores to find some lingering attention should they want it, and that Jason doesn’t based on his behavior. I’d say more likely that he feels burned by the whole thing and doesn’t want it to be part of his or his child’s life any further. Which isn’t to totally defend him, because maybe he is being an asshole, too; I just don’t think that sort of reaction would be altogether unreasonable. Clearly Beth is prohibited from speaking too directly of Jason or the situation, but Radzi is not and pipes up about how obstructive Jason is, refusing to answer his phone when Beth calls for her appointed twice-daily chats with little Bryn. I wish for all their sakes that they could be more at ease and unconstructed about this. That child is screwed.
Moving on to other Bethy subjects, she tells Mr. Andy that she felt very welcomed back upon her return to the franchise, which leads to Holla’s first interruption and the first grenade toss at The Kountess. It seems that after Lu’s estate sale, Holla, Radzi, Lu, and Mo had a drink in which The Kountess toasted to “taking Bethenny down”. GASP. Meanness and plotted conflicts? Who could imagine such a thing? Lu dismisses this assertion as a figment of Holla’s imagination, or in the alternative something so meaningless and unimportant that she has forgotten it entirely, like So’s underpants. Whatever, Beth couldn’t care less. It was weird at first pretending to hang with people she didn’t even know, but she’s done it before and did it fine again on round 2.
Mr. Andy asks about Doritos’ birthday in The Berkshires, and the Holla/Beth implosion. Holla explains the ridiculous comment she made comparing the loss of her nanny to the loss of Beth’s marriage, and gets a little teary talking about how essential this woman has been to her child’s health over the last nine years. Her point is that everyone has their shit, and I’ll give her that. Holla and Beth circle each other for a while on their weird, intense dinner interaction, on Beth’s meltdown, on Holla hassling Beth about not inviting Kristen to her birthday party, etc. Beth basically feels like Holla is smothering her, a vibe confirmed when Holla totally interrupts Beth and talks over her in explaining how Beth feels about Holla hijacking her jock at all times. Enough said.
Next we turn to Atlantic City and the shitshow that is So Morgan. Holla remains incensed – INCENSED – about being left to cool her jets in the cold, damp gangway that So refers to as a “foyer”. So continues to make excuses for herself and her interns, but even Lu tells her she was in the wrong. Mr. Andy changes the subject to So’s efforts to shove her tongue down Lu’s mouth and asks about her sexuality. Is she bi? She’s vague, and maybe has explored ladybits. Or she is too drunk to know for sure either way. I just find her supremely unattractive so I am not at all interested in this.
Instead we talk about So’s inebriation levels, and whether her problem is drinking, drinking + pills, or not drinking at all in the So version of events. So, naturally, deflects, and tries to claim Doritos is as bad as she is. Doritos isn’t having it, and neither is anyone else. Also, this bullshit about “partying with John-John”? Crap. “John-John”‘s very close friend, widow of his cousin and very best friend, tells So it’s offensive. “I get that you’re a drunk, but you’re not funny, and no one called him “John-John”. [Which: I’ve heard before. No one actually called him that except the media and people who didn’t actually know him, and he hated it.] It was really…” and we never find out, because everyone piles on and interrupts, as they are wont to do. “Do you believe your own bullshit?” Beth asks. Actually, So does! Mo insists that So lived “the most colorful life” and she just can’t give it up. I don’t know, I just think this woman is boring, stupid, unattractive, and tiresome.
Mr. Andy seems bored with it, too, and shifts to more Radzi talk, now about The Chef, The Kountess, and the associated nonsense. Mostly this is about the ongoing Twitter feud between these two broads as opposed to anything that happened onscreen this season. The Kountess continues to insist that The Chef was actively dating The Niece when Radzi swooped in and stole him away, that The Niece was heartbroken, and that she, The Kountess, was appalled that Radzi (a) caused emotional trauma to The Niece, and (b) gave The Help The Boots. Radzi claims this is all patently false, that it had been a year since The Niece and The Chef were involved, that they were not planning a vacation together when Radzi swooped in, that The Kountess didn’t give a shit until the season started running and there was relevance to maintain, and that furthermore The Kountess gives barely-legals the boots in public bathrooms all the time so who is she to get all worked up about this? Damn, she even skinny-dips with The Help in the form of 20-year-old houseboys of the Caribbean! And laughs at Radzi for being childless! “How dare you!” the Kountess shouts, haughtily, as is her wont.
I’m sure we’re nowhere near the end of this but here’s my take: I think The Kountess is caught in a do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do situation here, so the allegations of hypocrisy carry merit. I also think the way Radzi picked up The Chef was a bit socially awkward, and that the way she carried out the launch of this relationship like a covert operation speaks for itself. But more than anything: apparently this niece is now – NOW – 19 years old. And the chef is 28. Which means that whether the relationship had been over for a year or not, when it was happening she was at best barely, BARELY legal and dating a man who was almost 30. I have a far bigger issue with that sort of age dynamic than the one The Chef has with Radzi. Why is The Kountess so hell-bent on the sanctity of a relationship that was just this side of statutory? Methinks The Kountess wanted to bang him herself, that’s what methinks, and like I said, they are all too old to be carrying on like this.
Next time: more shiitake and shinola, plus Mo passes out on the couch.
