We’re nearing the end, kids, of this seventh season of RHONY, and we’re winding things up with yet another fashion show. While no show will ever live up to the one where Mo Singer, Model, attempted to hypnotize the audience with her mesmerizing stare, at least So Morgan has managed to produce a show involving actual clothes. As any seasoned Housewives viewer knows, a fashion show in which there is actual fashion is an accomplishment to be noted.
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First, though, Radzi and “Doris” are back from London with the late Prince Anthony’s ashes, and Radzi needs to recap things for her friend Holla to close that circle. Holla swoops in wrapped up in a ratty faux fur thing, whereas Radzi is casual in flannel and unwashed hair. {Nose wrinkle} Radzi shares that she and Doritos found they had a great deal in common once the “layers” were peeled back, and they even enjoyed a little Lucy-and-Ethel-face-TSA moment when they successfully smuggled the Prince’s remains, bomblike urn and all, into the United States snuggled into Doritos’ huge fur coat, but not without getting busted for a tube of Clarins hand cream. After my dad’s funeral I unwittingly carried two live shotgun shells through Security in my purse and TSA never noticed, so sometimes you have to wonder what they are and are not paying attention to.
Holla, in turn, updates Radzi on whatever went on while she was gone, and as I missed this too apparently it involved some sort of Skinnygirl Speed Dating party where everyone looked good in red and Mo Singer was predictably antsy and rude, dismissing a very hot bartender as “the help”. Radzi, who as we know likes to do “the help”, thinks maybe boning “the help” is exactly what Mo Singer needs to get the True Faith crucifix out of her ass (she’s Catholic, you know).
Later (or before), Holla and Beth are meeting up with Mo’s partner in crime, So Morgan, to review fashions for the upcoming So Morgan New York show, or as it turns out cast models. So doesn’t know what she’s doing, nor does she know where she’s going, because SMNY is operating this pretend operation out of a series of pretend offices and conference rooms all over Manhattan. Not even So Morgan knows where she’s working today, let alone what she’s doing, or why. Beth doesn’t either and is a little tweaked that So is wasting her damn time on this model casting enterprise, because Beth’s vast empire does not involve any models other than Beth herself, already cast.
Anyway, in the models come, and the questions begin. Is there such a thing as “too thin”, and if so, is it acceptable to tell a model she is that?
This = Too Thin
What is a “Versace cut” as opposed to a “Ralph Lauren cut”? What is a “heritage brand”, anyway? What other brands does this SMNY team envision So’s line hanging amidst? There are no answers. And also, no one should question how So Morgan interacts with models because despite her looks, So used to be a model herself! Dammit, she knows that there are so many times a girl goes on a call and never hears back! Holla is agape. Where to start with this shitshow and how to keep pretending it’s all a real thing she has no idea.
Doritos and Mo Singer meet up for lunch to rehash London. They agree that Radzi is a lot more fun when she’s out from under Holla’s large, overbearing shadow. They also talk about their love lives; recently Mo Singer accosted a man over his delicious chicken dish! That’s one way to meet and move on. Fifteen years ago I had a very cute boy ask me if I knew where he could find chervil in the produce section; I was so flatfooted by my post-run subpar appearance and unfamiliarity with chervil that I couldn’t even find my game. The truth of the matter is that if he was looking for chervil he was probably gay, but regardless I have to respect Mo for turning Chicken Fabuloso into a potential love connection. You gotta start the conversation somewhere.
As far as Doritos goes, now that she’s put the Ghost of Richard to bed back in London, she’s ready to get serious with Fat John The Dry Cleaner. Mo sniffs; a dry cleaner is in the Help category, in her opinion, and a fat dry cleaner not to be given a second zombie stare. So she turns the conversation back to how smart she, Mo Singer, is, and how good she looks, because unlike Mario she’s not giving up on life. I don’t know how her version of reality turns Mario banging a 20-something fitness instructor into Mario giving up on life, but whatever makes her feel less like a washed up over-the-hill old bag, I suppose. And what will make Mo feel less like a washed up over-the-hill old bag is a New Beginnings party. Yes, she’s going to celebrate the fact that after her creepy husband got recreational to the point that Mo couldn’t pull off pretending it wasn’t happening any more, she went and got an Plain Old Divorce, lost the “R” in “Mrs.”, bought New Boobs, and is now going to Eat Chicken With Strange Men. And that’s cause for a celebration!
So the reason So Morgan New York is launching is because it’s NEW YORK FASHION WEEK, you guys! Apparently if you have a fashion show at the same time as Fashion Week it counts for being IN Fashion Week. Next year during Fashion Week I am going to have a private parade at the Rancho of all the wardrobe items I have accumulated from stores that also sell groceries and call that my personal participation in New York Fashion Week.
Anyway. Also, and possibly more legitimately, participating in NYFW is Kristen Taekman, whose Pop Of Color nail polish is being put to work at the Elie Tahari show, which if we’re honest about it is really more of a cocktail party than a fashion show but that’s fine. The Tahari models are wearing fingerless leather gloves like I wear to lift weights at BodyPump so I don’t get man hands. They are not especially flattering or functional as fashion items, but they do set off the polish, so that’s nice. And wait: wait wait WAIT! Radzi is eating! A corned beef sandwich, no less! It will be a good idea for her to put some food in that tummy of hers before they head off to the So Morgan New York show that is not at Lincoln Center, not anywhere near Lincoln Center, because you know that show is going to involve a full bar and likely a very long wait for anything to happen.
Which, not surprisingly, is exactly what happens. While Holla deals the legendary Elie Tahari a bit of a backhanded compliment by telling him she used to wear his suits back when she was a penniless first-jobber, So is frantically running around her Carriage House venue yelling at her fake employees and pretending (a) she’s actually in charge, (b) planned any of this, and (c) has a clue what is going on. Where is the fat Indian guy? Where’s that impatient looking girl from the other day’s model casting? Nowhere to be found. No, today we have various So Morgan “interns”, all who gaze dispassionately at their ranting “boss” as though they speak no English, not a Pickles to be found. So demands paper, Sharpies, chignons, and to know what kind of underwear she has on. At least she has any, unlike most of the time.
The guests begin to arrive and assemble for their long winter’s night of waiting for something to happen. Beth greets Doritos and tells her she looks really good with that shocked, I-can’t-believe-it way she has of delivering any compliment. I sort of think Doritos looks the same as always, and maybe if Beth didn’t make such a thing out of it that might be nicer than the way she is talking to her, anyway. Holla is wondering where all the buyers are, because fashion shows are supposed to be about selling clothes to department store buyers. It turns out So is wondering the same thing, raving at not-Pickles because no one from Neiman’s, Bloomies, Macy’s, or Saks is showing up, even assuming they were invited.
They are seated, and settle in to wait, and wait, and wait. And while they do, and while So seizes another opportunity to undress in front of the world,
Beth and Mo get into a tiff over the now TWO dresses Mo stole from Beth, as well as Mo’s shitty attitude and her bullshit way of pretending she’s all fresh and new when really she’s the same old bitch she ever was, and Beth’s tired of Mo acting like an asshole and expecting her crappy fauxpologies to make up for it when she farts in the elevator. Mo tries to put her fingers in her ears and go la-la-la but Beth will not let up. The second and third rows are cheering, as is the Kountess.
Finally, the show begins. There are lots of shorts, lots of halters.
In short, lots of clothes that are not “heritage”, classic, or age-appropriate for most. I’m of the opinion that past puberty one can generally wear a halter OR shorts, but not both at the same time. Then there’s a very, very long and obvious break while the models get recycled into the dressier second act and adorned with the $4 MILLION (pesos) of So Morgan Faux Jewels complimenting the looks. While they wait, Beth lays into Mo again for having gossiped, falsely, about Beth having cheated on her first husband during the ten minutes they were married. Mo tries the la-la-la method but finally has to give in. She’s not perfect, she’s sorry, crucify her why don’t you? Beth has no interest in “crucifying” Mo, she just wants her to stop farting in the damn elevator! Don’t we all? Mo blames it on Beth’s assistant. Beth thinks it’s perfectly hilarious that Mo is going to have a New Beginnings Party so she can carry on being the Same Asshole, Now Mrs., and treat bartenders like shit. Booze Queen Beth is always, always kind to bartenders.
Finally, mercifully, the show ends. So struts out to flash her nips to the crowd and soak up the sight of Mo going boonanas.
As we all know, So can’t get attention without Mo needing more. If the presence of actual clothes, Carson Kressley, and a lady with a red fur donut on her are any indication, this fashion show was a smashing all-around success.
Next time: it’s the season finale, people! It’s time for Mo’s New Beginnings Party, more fights, and wrapping whatever we can up with a nice, tidy bow. Till then…
