I hadn’t even gotten a chance to write up my recap of Part 2 when all of a sudden Part 3 was on! Just as well as really I think we could have covered everything in 1.5 parts, so let’s hop to it. Parts 2 and 3 seem to have largely rehashed the same few things from different angles, so let’s jus attack this according to subject matter rather than in order of presentation, shall we?
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Doritos
Mr. Andy takes some time with Doritos, our newest Housewife, and helps us get to know her better. Doritos does not work; after Richard died she sold his company (which did some sort of analysis relevant to hedge funds, or something like that) and now just hangs. She claims that Hannah does not watch the show, is starting to be nicer to Fat John, and is more “British” in inclination. Does she call her mom Doris, as Doritos’ Brit friends do?
Doritos and Radzi revisit their London trip, which I missed entirely. They both found each other’s company delightful and the experience something that brought them full-circle in their widowhood. On the other hand, Doritos is ready to tear the rest of the Left Couch into tiny little bits and eat them. She’s furious with Kristen for suggesting Fat John, who is handsy, is handsy, and can’t believe Kristen has any boundaries for being nearly molested by strange, middle-aged men at cocktail parties seeing as she modeled topless. Which has what to do with anything? No matter, Kristen is “inappropriate”, and Doritos is still mad at her for bringing up this handsiness question in The Berkshires, the sacred Berkshires where conflict shall not tread, even though it was actually Mo who did it. When in doubt, Mo did it.
But the real person in trouble with Doritos is Holla, and Holla has no idea why and neither do I. There’s a lotta shouting about how Holla was a different person in Turks & Caicos, how Doritos gets tired and sensitive when she stays up too late drinking, and how Holla is condescending. Doritos thinks they need a long talk and walk in The Berkshires. So it shall be.
Macramona
I could kick myself for not coming up with this nickname for Mo myself. Mr. Andy wants to know more about Mo’s New Beginnings; specifically, has she gone through a menopausal puberty, or are those haboobs upgraded? After first saying read her book, Mo concedes she did, in fact, get new fun bags. What else is in the book? The sordid details of the end of her marriage to Mario, which she blames on the show; Mario did not like to live in Mo’s shadow. He is experiencing a midlife crisis and is not happy with himself. He is passive aggressive and has a nasty side. He is going through male menopause. Or: he didn’t like Mo having priorities higher than him, maybe? Not liking his wife being MO SINGER instead of Mrs. Mario is not the same thing as feeling badly about himself in her shadow. Whatever, Mo lives in the SoMo land of delusion if you ask me.
Mr. Andy asks the others whether or not Mo has changed, which neatly hands the emcee mike to Queen B who is dying to monopolize the discussion some more. Say what she will, she loves hosting a talk show. Beth thinks that when Mo is angry she lashes out way worse than whoever who did whatever to amger her, and then she tries to put a bow on it to make things right afterward. It’s insincere, and Mo needs to work on processing her feelings and changing her behavior. She also retells the “Mo Stole My Dress” story and in her version, which Mo disputes, weakly, Mo stuffed a dress in her purse and took off from the Bethenny set, then when an assistant went to go trade out a less valuable dress for the one she escaped with, pretending she wasn’t home to answer the door, took the new dress, and kept dress #1, too. Her explanation later was that Mario put it in the back of the car but it fell out, a story quickly shot to bits when she posted photos of herself and Avery in the dresses on Instagram. Mo doesn’t see why it matters now since the show is not in production anymore, but Beth insists stealing is stealing (as it is) and wants Mo to donate the value of two dresses to “Dress For Success”. They get a little scrappy about what each knows about the skeletons in each others’ closets but that doesn’t really go anywhere other than glaring.
So Morgan, International Woman Of Delusion
Time for Mr. Andy to give So, who is sitting dangerously at the end of the right hand couch, some more attention, this time for her Lifestyle Brand rather than her BAC. Everyone applauds So for executing a fashion show in which there were actual clothes (SHE By Sheree!) and all agree they want to see her succeed. However, they also want her to get over her damn self and drop the bullshit, such as her insistence that she has real employees and space (not just consultants and rent-an-offices), that she’s totally going to be in Bergdorfs and not just on the internet, that Madonna TOTALLY came to her fashion show but the security wasn’t up to required levels. Nevermind that she was photographed out of the country that day. Several of the wives have ordered from the So Morgan New York line; Radzi’s pants have actually showed up and are hanging in her closet, while Beth has been waiting six weeks. So apologizes to Kristen for the non-diss about the toaster. The End.
Turds and Catfights
The real topic where all the action is, of course, Turks & Caicos, The Naked Man, and Lu. The Kountess is very excited we’re getting down to the dirty business because she’s been waiting all night. I honestly feel like we’ve been over this 101 times, but let’s get this done once and for all. Mo explains that she and the other old bags (minus Doritos) went out to do karaoke (o god) and ended up bringing some guy and his friend back “for a drink”. So was merely along as a spectator to smile and serenly watch the train wreck unfold, while Mo and Lu carried on loudly and drunkenly until Mo could carry on no more. Mo wanted to go to bed and not with her guy, and he was a bit stuck because his friend had disappeared on the beach with Lu leaving him drunk and lost and unable to Uber up a disappearing act. So Mo sent him upstairs to sleep in Beth’s empty bedroom, but told him NOT to use the bathroom and to get out at dawn. She did not tell him to take all his clothes off, nor did she tell him it was okay to have breakfast with the chef which he did.
Mr. Andy wants to know why, if this is all Mo’s fault, this has somehow become an Incident between Holla and Lu. Holla explains that Mo is off the hook because she didn’t write a song about it and traipse around bitching about it for the last three months. Speaking of #girlcode, Mr. Andy wants to know why it isn’t a #girlcode violation for Lu to have hooked up with someone else’s husband. Lu insists (a) she wasn’t “with” him, (b) merely strolled the beach in the dark, inebriated, and ending up sleeping in her bathing suit, and (c) he is getting a divorce and what the state of things is between him and his wife is his problem and not hers. OK.
Mr. Andy also wants to know why Lu pitched such a fit about her “privacy” in her bedroom when she knows full well that there are cameras everywhere and this is what she signed up for. A whole lotta circling around and around goes on, and finally Lu acknowledges that she fucked The Pirate and did not want to get caught with another Pirate and that’s why she was mad at Holla for entering her room with cameras in tow. But not before trying to insinuate that it was actually HOLLA who boned The Pirate. Which I really doubt. Whatever, they all hug and make up and someone cancels Everyone Hates Holla week. And they all go out to dinner together after. The end.
