Ohmiword, RHOC starts Monday? CRAP. I am not sufficiently prepared for this. I will be out of town seeking chakra alignment early next week (a task incompatible with Housewifery nonsense, let’s be honest) but if I can stay on task, I will.
Anyway, having left the fractious, inebriated hussies barking at each other in the basement of Petrossian, we resume with Doritos in the Berkshires, fussing about Chalet Doritos in anticipation of the onslaught. Doritos’ house is a big gray Tudor on a large, scenic bit of property, unlike Holla’s which is equally scenic but significantly less impressive. But that’s the outside; inside, it’s a Crayola bordello. Back to that in a minute.
First to arrive is the encaped Kountess, who has shuttled up to the Berkshires with: MO SINGER OF ALL PEOPLE. Oh egads, what a ride that must have been! But Lu looks surprisingly unflustered by the endeavor whereas Mo explodes from the SUV with her hair all amuss and clutching a case of RAMONA Pinot Grigio all bug-eyed and desperate. In they go.
So in is like this: lacquer is big here. And each room seems assigned to some section of the color wheel. One has purple velvet couches, and big ones at that. Another is all in shades of peacock. One bedroom is teal, another is magenta, another Orange Yellow, not to be confused with Yellow Orange. One room seems to be Fake Phish themed; in another there’s a moose, and not a real one. Everything is so big, so bright, so shiny… I feel like I am on an acid trip off Nerds inside DJ Lance Rock’s hat.
Doritos has a deep emotional connection to this pile, because her father, who was a mason that also apparently installed phones, both built the foundation and plugged in the original rotary dial. So dead husband Richard bought Doritos the place when they got married, although she gives equal time to the suggestion that she bought it, either way someone did and here lives Doritos, in full, living color, decor inspired by a Preskool xylophone.
The Kool Kids arrive next and drinking before lunch ensues. I enjoy the occasional day drink but not on an empty tummy before noon. Mo shares with Radzi that she invited her “business partner” to come as her plus one for dinner the next night. Radzi wants to know whether he’s just a friend, or are they fucking. Mo stalls and changes the subject to what names they are going to suggest for Chalet Doritos, because Doritos wants to order some of that klassy personalized stationery with the name of the place on it. Radzi thinks “Bluestone Manor” and I am so incredibly disappointed. Isn’t she supposed to be the clever creative one. Not even “Chateau Crayola”? “Real World: Berkshires”? Mo informs Radzi she’s stealing her crappy name suggestion and they tussle for it on the stairs. Having just grappled my 11-year-old at the pediatrician this morning so he could forcibly receive his tetanus booster, I cringe.
Once Radzi extricates herself, Mo goes off to drink with Kristen and tell her about the fiasco at Petrossian. Like Kristen didn’t hear all about this in the car with Holla en route. Mo tells Kristen that Lu got all “weirdass” on her about her closeness with Doritos and as a result went after Mo for having complained about Mr. Fat being too handsy. Kristen, who was molested by Mr. Fat at Doritos’ introductory cocktail party, agrees that Mr. Fat is too handsy, which is unfortunately the time that Doritos decides to swan in, her flat behind revealing her panty lines. (I do not have a problem with panty lines; in fact, I’d rather know someone is wearing panties as I believe thongs to be unhygienic and unhealthful. However, I believe rumps should have a bump, and Doritos’ does not.)
Doritos tells both ladies that she’s not mad at Lu because she thinks all she was trying to do was get the facts straight, but she IS mad at Kristen for saying something so unkind about Mr. Fat as that he is handsy. It’s her own damn fault for being attractive, and within arm’s reach! All she wants is for everyone to accept Mr. Fat as she does, because he cries with her about her late husband and makes her heart so warm and moderately happy. She’s a 50-year-old widow and Nicholas Sparks does not write love stories about people like her. There is no Ryan Gosling waiting in the wings for Doritos; it’s Mr. Fat The Dry Cleaner, or nothin’. Now everyone is crying. They will be nice to Mr. Fat, they promise, then go change out of their ripped jeans which they all bought that way.
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Off to a fancy dinner in the town of Great Barrington. In car #1, Doritos, Holla, and Lu speculate about the Singers’ marriage. What is or isn’t going on? Mo isn’t filling in any details, but she IS bringing her “business partner” in her questionable sports bar for dinner tomorrow. Lu’s wearing another cape. I wonder iff Radzi is pissy about it. Arriving in their private dining room, which looks like it smells a wee bit musty, Mo crows that she LOVES the Berkshires! She’s totally over the Mo Bitch Project now that she’s in a more upscale environment than Holla’s garage and no one’s making her do stuff in, like, nature. Doritos, in her black Big Bird bolero, gives Mo a Bea Arthur.
Dinner conversation, naturally, turns to the person who isn’t here, which is Beth. (Technically So’s not here, either, but there’s nothing left on that subject.) Why did she blaze out of Radzi’s election party so fast? Radzi doesn’t really know, even though she said on camera that she had to pick up The Peanut at school (which makes sense, at 3:30 in the afternoon – more sense than a co-op board “election party”). Mo pipes up that Beth is not a girls’ girl and doesn’t have any friends; flashback to her telling Beth on the Brooklyn Bridge that someday Jason would leave her and her life would be an empty shell because she’s so impenetrable.) Radzi tells everyone about Beth’s meltdown in CB2 and that her conclusion is that Beth has “a branding problem”; mirthful ironic laughter. Kristen demands to know whether they were real tears or Mo Singer “crocodile tears”, provoking hissing and a hairy side eyeball from Mo. Sucka, you is gonna git it later.
Everyone pities Beth for her marital problems, her childcare challenges, her fucked up family history. Wise Old Lu offers that if you can’t trust your mom then it affects your whole life with women, and observes that Beth is trying to be SuperMom herself in compensation. Mo’s hairy side eyeball swivels over to the Kountess, as she, too does not have a mom she can trust. Holla, for one, doesn’t buy any of this shiitake. Mo, So, and Lu also have or had marital problems, Radzi and Doritos are widows for God’s sake, lots of people do okay without their mom in their life. I mean, come on, Holla ALSO has childcare issues – she just lost her nanny of nine years! WHERE IS THE PITY?!
Mo don’t want no pity; she has learned some heavy stuff. And that includes that sometimes you just gotta realize that it’s gonna be okay! You’re gonna make it after all. HA! barks Doritos. Not for her; no, she has no faith that it’s gonna be okay, but some mornings she realizes she smells like a goat and needs to get her flat ass out of bed and shower whether she likes it or not. That’s how the widows do it!
All this is left unresolved; a new day dawns and with it arrives So Morgan schlepping ten bags and not an intern in sight. After she changes into a suitable “Berkshires look” and Holla and Mo don their matching leopard fur vests, they head out shopping on the Great Barrington Stroll. At one store, Mo confronts Lu for having confronted HER at Petrossian; Lu acknowledges that she “pulled a Ramona” and shouldn’t have jumped her without warning. So that’s resolved, mercifcully.
It’s time for Doritos’ birthday dinner which is apparently going to be a sushi thing in evening attire back at the Chateau Crayola, with men. First man on the scene is of course Mr. Fat, who brings a case of champagne and a special pink birthday bottle and nearly gets cornered for a three-way Caburlesque show by a half-naked So in Doritos’ bedroom. It’s close, but no vagina. Doritos’ gay brother and his husband arrive, Josh shows up in his toolbox Porky Pig hat and Mr. Holla bursts through the door shouting “Ta Da!” with no one there to witness, again. If a tree falls in the forest…
Cocktails are in The Peacock Room which is where they are nearly all assembled when who shows up unannounced but BETH! She made in happen, guys; she brought The Peanut along and left her in the hotel room after bedtime! Doritos is thrilled; Holla is disappointed because her kids are here, too, and they could have had a slumber party! Beth’s eyes narrow; I think she recalls as I do that Holla’s kids are a little ill-behaved and The Peanut is not going to be exposed to any of that.
Meanwhile, up in The Phish Room, Radzi has brought her laptop in to show Lu what she “dug up” while Googling Mo’s business partner, namely an item on Radar Online claiming that the business partner used to date Mario’s now-mistress. Friends share, guys! They gasp. Should they say something? Of course not. Or at least not to Mo.
Down the stairs they come; Beth, in a conservative black evening pantsuit, doesn’t understand why The Kountess is wearing a saloon owner getup. Long gloves, too. “LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!” Doritos bellows, Oprah style, and dinner is served.
Immediately there is a problem because dinner is sushi and Beth is allergic to fish, specifically non-shellfish; mollusks are okay, as are sake shots. Holla pipes up that she’s got some meatballs in her pocketbook; how about some meatballs? Beth declines the meatballs as well as the Teddy Grahams and whatever else Holla has in there; she’s gonna be fine and can figure out her own Skinnyfood, thanks. Holla is tweaked.
Moving on, Holla (who heard about the Radar Online story before dinner) decides to start interrogating Mo’s date, who by now has arrived. How did they meet? Mo used to babysit him! Holla shares that they Googled him but then plays all coy about it. Like he doesn’t know. She continues to interrogate him, loudly, about his business endeavors, accomplishments and failures, while Beth and So at the other end of the table roll their eyes and collapse on each other drunkenly. What’s all this about, Holla demands to know. Beth wants her to lighten up. And, as we say, it’s on.
Mr. Fat unfortunately looks like he’s pressing one out here
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Beth doesn’t want to be “tended to”; she didn’t want Jill to be her replacement Jewish mother and she doesn’t want Holla, either. Holla is just trying to tawk to Beth! “But we don’t know each other!” cries Beth! Holla wants to Know Beth. She wants to Know Beth in the next room. Beth does not want to be Known In The Next Room. She wants Holla to get off. She wants no attention, as she cries at the table with everyone staring. She wants to BREATHE. Holla, rejected, returns to her seat. Now they are both crying. Radzi observes that Beth has two speeds: tighter than a top, or crying.
Next time: Beth would rather eat glass than Be Known By Holla. Avery doesn’t want to Know what is going on with her parents. Carole has filthy ideas for names of something for Kristen, and Beth and Lu get into it. Oh lawds.
