After the sorrow and sun of Miami, it’s back to New York where things are sleeting and dismal, and I love it. I miss seasons. Mo and Doritos are meeting up for dinner at some steakhouse and there’s a bald dude mowing through his meal in the background, oblivious to the cameras as he shovels it in. A small child, less oblivious, stares at the cameras and the ‘Wives aghast.
Mo has a cold. She sounds like crap and looks worse with her unbrushed, unwashed hair, but this isn’t stopping her from going out to parties at which there are available men to meet, even though Mario has begun to come to his senses, and wants his family back. Mo doesn’t know what she wants, but obviously in the meantime she’s keeping her options open. Doritos has invited everyone to come to the Berkshires and Mo is excited because Doritos’ chalet has five fireplaces, unlike the glorified garage of Holla’s which Mo was forced to make up a fake emotional crisis in order to flee in a friend’s private jet (which was actually a simple Cessna but I don’t feel like arguing with Mo on this point).
Radzi is running for the board of her building co-op and has assembled a team of political consultants and valuable advisers, including Holla (PR), Mr. Holla (real estate), and Mo (co-op board near-miss), to help her plan her election campaign. It seems once her candidacy was announced, someone recruited an individual who no longer lives in the building to run against her. Does that make sense? Shouldn’t you have to live in the building to be on the board? Radzi’s campaign is predicated on “transparency”. She wishes for the board management to be more “transparent”. Who knows what their co-op issues are, but opposition to Radzi appears to swirl around her history of repeatedly arriving home drunk and locked out, requiring the assistance of the fire department to access her apartment. “Oh, forget it,” Mad-Eye Mo declares, rolling them. #Doorgate will no doubt derail this whole effort in search of a storyline. Radzi is so boring this season.
Our episode of RHONY is disrupted by one of Beth After After as she goes to see Dr. Amador to tell him about her trip to Miami and meeting with the stepfather, who “acknowledged” her childhood. This is not enough for Dr. Amador; no, she needs to BE ONE with the events. She needs to really examine how being raised by drunk, gambling, fighting, clubbing, suicidal wolves has impacted how she feels about life and how she trusts other people (or doesn’t, as the case appears to be). Beth “acknowledges” that her childhood was one of “fear, sadness, terror, and lack of trust”. Phew! That was exhausting! Beth needs a nap now. What has she been discussing with Dr. Amador all this time? And where did that giant diamond on her right hand come from?
The sleet has turned to snow, causing So to have to cancel “half the press” invited to her Latino Show cover party at the Vanessa Noel shoe store. Who is this Vanessa Noel? It seems So has partnered with up with another person heading an Empire of Nothing, because Vanessa Noel’s website is oddly dysfunctional, offers a bio replete with typos and faulty grammar, and no actual shoes. And what is this Latino Show magazine? Certainly not something I’ve seen on a newsstand alongside Cat Fancy, and whether or not it is an actual magazine, its website is a free blog on Blogger offering advertisements in Spanish, and isn’t formatted correctly.
Whatever. So claims it’s a magazine for high-falutin’ international gay luxury living, and she’s on the cover. (However, among the cover images scrolling down the left side of the aforementioned website, no sign of So Morgan. Hmm.)
via
She’s also the cateress of this event, and is wearing the very first prototype dress from the So Morgan Kollection, so she’s hitting three birds with one tiny pebble tonight!
via
Kristen and Doritos swan in all sparkling, and each looks five times more fabulous than the woman of the hour; a resentful and sniffly Mo snarks in all confused about what exactly is the focus of support for So tonight, and Beth comes racing past the step-and-repeat covered head-to-toe in a Unabomber hoodie, clearly hoping no one sees her slumming at this operation.
Some random says she actually saw four pieces from the So Morgan Jewelry Kollection, so things are coming together, you guys! Beth is suitably impressed that there’s actually a toaster in this box, whereas Holla is not totally convinced; “an ad in a magazine is not a collection”, she sniffs, just as a concept preview of She By Sheree is not a fashion SHOW. Holla will believe it when she sees it, and gladly interrogates So’s CEO. In her fur vest and Pharrell hat, it’s like a pimp confronting a confused tourist. The CEO does his best to describe the line and their efforts to get into chain stores”. “Like Kmart kinds of chains?” Holla asks. Silence descends, then hissing. How dare she! Kmart? The So Morgan Kollection is geared to Barneys! Bergdorfs! Or at least Bloomies! It’s AFFORDABLE LUXURY. Affordable luxury = QVC if you ask me. Apparently it’s affordable luxury for Spanish speaking drag queens given the placement So has selected to make her debut. I’m still not convinced there’s a toaster in this box.
Radzi has invited everyone over for an election watch party in the middle of the afternoon, so she has to find something to serve from what’s left of her former kitchen and pulls a box of three-year-old pigs in a blanket from her ice machine. Apparently they are delicious, but she could have gotten fresh ones were she a Costco member. Hell, why isn’t this a Sonja In The City event? It’s toaster oven scaled, after all. Beth shows up first so she can leave first, too. Holla BURSTS into the apartment, simply exploding with excitement, before So strolls in unimpressed and in green faux fur. Mo brings mo wine. Kristen is Best Dressed in a belted grey knit coat and suede boots, while Lu looks like she’s in between tree trimming parties. Everyone’s here but Doritos! All to await the results of a co-op board election probably half the 30 building residents could not have cared less about.
While they wait, Holla tells Beth about her plans to get a Maleficent tattoo on her hip and interrogates her about her custody arrangement. I’m sure she’s just trying to be friendly but Beth is pissed, again, and views this as intrusive and upsetting. Kristen takes So aside to genuinely apologize for ever doubting her Empire of Nothing. She saw a toaster in that box! Finally Radzi calls for the results, because people (specifically Beth) have been here 20 minutes and are ready to leave. And guess what? She won! Her very own totally thankless volunteer job. Hip hip hooray!
After a commercial break in which Mo pretends to interview nitwits to staple things at her new sports bar, Beth and Radzi go furniture browsing at CB2. Because, you know, the other ‘Wives are complaining that Beth is not around enough and trying to have her own show-within-the-show, and Beth liked Radzi’s decor, so this is something to work with. They get way, way too comfortable in a living room set, Radzi draping her legs over the arm – this isn’t IKEA! sit UP! – and Beth theatrically and inexplicably collapses into a puddle of tears. It seems she can’t go on Doritos’ trip to the Berkshires because it’s her weekend with The Peanut, who isn’t allowed on camera (and who wasn’t invited anyway). Beth wails and sobs and Radzi panics before finally locating a cloth cocktail napkin and offering it to Beth, silently begging her to stop already. Once the sniffling stops the awkwardness descends; they are not huggers. They are also clearly not going to buy anything at CB2 so they sit there awkwardly like they just sobered up after a one-night stand. Why is Beth wearing an untied bow tie?
via
It’s Doritos’ 50th birthday so Lu has planned a private dinner at Petrossian and she’s invited Mo and Holla. Mo, Holla, Lu, and Doritos, and their men (except Lu didn’t bring one; Mo brought Cyrus’ gay hooker husband from Scandal).
via
This is the weirdest combination of ‘Wives, but I am thinking maybe Holla’s the only odd one and was specifically included strictly due to her orgasmic love of caviar. Lu suggests it’s because they are all lovers of good things, and also “loyal”. There are vodka shots, apparently enough for an army of Russians. And then the first turd slips into the window box fan.
Mo decides to launch into a classic Moffensive backhanded “compliment” by telling everyone that she thinks Holla and Lu can be evasive and put up a wall of phony, which is why she is so glad Doritos is now on the cast because now she can “be herself”. Holla and Lu are having none of it, because Mo’s the one with “the wall”. Mo thinks Holla is being aggressive and negating her compliment toward Doritos. Holla and Lu insist that Mo was the aggressive one, assigning preconceived conclusions about and labels upon people, and Holla had “seen growth” but now there’s a backslide.
via
A lot of inebriated and slurry talking-over follows but now Mo is snapping at Lu while draping herself possessively over Doritos, and it seems what happened is that Mo and Lu had a conversation behind Doritos’ back about Fat, which was all fine until Mo took it upon herself to tell Doritos Lu had said bad things about Fat and left her own contributions to the conversation conveniently out, which led Doritos to call up Lu and let her have it. It would appear Doritos and Lu sorted it all out before they got here, but that’s not gonna stop Mo from rehashing the whole sordid off-screen affair. “We know you lie!” shrieks Mo, while Doritos tries and fails to settle things down, fully aware that Mo is making Lu the scapegoat. “I am afraid I can’t trust you,” Lu cautions Mo. Holla thinks neither of them needs to throw their dislike of Fat in Doritos’ face. Mo makes a toast to Doritos: if she’s happy, Mo’s happy. Then she burps loudly, keels over, and passes out. Lu and Holla write on her face with a Sharpie.
Next time: it’s off to Doritos’ questionably-decorated Berkshires chalet! Will proximity to the woods cause Mo become So Ramotional and take us back to the Mo Witch Project? Stay tuned, kittycats.
