My five-year-old is a kleptomaniac. Whenever some interesting object goes missing, I have learned to look in the top drawer of his nighttable, which isn’t always where I find the missing piece but it’s a starting point. In the past several months he has absconded with three eyelash curler pads, one rather expensive hair clip (the only kind that works for my bipolar ‘do), the TiVo remote control, and a 24-karat-gold money clip that was a family heirloom inherited by a visiting friend of ours; this last item, thankfully, was recovered from Small’s older brother’s t-shirt drawer when I was sorting clothes a few weeks thereafter.
This is all relevant to you because earlier this week my TiVo ran out of recording data. My halfhearted efforts to troubleshoot overlooked the fact that the TiVo router was no longer attached, but was under the dining room table. Last night everyone, including Small, was terrible disappointed to discover we had not recorded Survivor, so he’s learned the hard, sibling-enforcer way why he shalt not mess with the TV. We are replugged in and back on track, and I caught up on RHONY on Apple TV.
We find Beth at a cafe table, pretending to edit her latest work of literature, You Can Choose Harmonious Living Or You Can Choose Thigh Gap, But You Can’t Have Both. I Choose Thigh Gap as she waits for So to arrive in her town car, because Beth lives so downtown, you guys. So is wearing a normal UES sweater set and tweed daytime ensemble; Beth is clad in a rumpled tuxedo, complete with casually untied bow tie, and has bed head. What is happening here? So doesn’t even ask, because that would be not-about-So so who cares?
Beth is on the case here. She asks about So’s financial problems, and suggests unloading the SoStone would seem to resolve all of her creditor issues; So insists that if she sold the SoStone the creditors would get everything and she wouldn’t be able to afford even a standard 2 bed/1 BA with the “vapors” that would linger. Beth gets it; I don’t, because at some point So is going to be running on fumes no matter what, if she isn’t already. Notably, So no longer brings up the millions of dollars the former Mr. So supposedly owes her. I’m guessing the fact that all his cash is in trust and there was no doubt a prenup means she got the SoStone, gets child support for her Snuffleupagus daughter, and that’s it. It’s as bad as Sheree and her fantasy “eight figures”.
So’s plan to dig out from this mess is, as we all know, her ever expanding and diversifying Empire of Nothing. So informs her she is in the business of Sonja Morgan, which “they say” is an “international fashion lifestyle brand” just waiting to be tapped, like her ass. She’s going to start with jewelry and a perfume, Eau De Hung Up Wet, and launch it at an upscale trunk show at Bergdorfs, or maybe at some gallery. What? asks Beth. Bergdorfs or: that crappy little boutique/art gallery from the cancelled Bravo favorite Gallery Girls? Because you know that’s how this would end up. Bravo does not have a crossover tie-in with high end retail in Manhattan.
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So is nonplussed. She’s going to move into hair extensions and a purse line; it’s all about ACCESSIBLE LUXURY. You know who’s all about ACCESSIBLE LUXURY? QVC. Accessible because you don’t have to rise from your Barcalounger to get it, and luxury because the TV hawker says it is. Beth advises So that whatever she’s doing, she needs to start with a single focus, as she did with the margarita, and really put all her energy into it. So totally gets it; she’s putting all her energy into this enterprise by avoiding emotional commitment and only engaging in recreational boot-knocking with individuals known to her only by first or code names. And she’s not swallowing unless the charges are going on a Black Card. See, focus!
On the UES, Doritos and the Kountess are getting pedicures. They are excited, and I am worried; nothing good ever comes from a RHONY pedicure date. Also, I hope the Kountess brought a pair of flip flops because those boots are going to wreck her nails. So what to talk about? Well, how about how The Fat Man showed up at the swingers club a few weeks ago? Yeah, Doritos knows, and she’s not amused, because she thinks when there is vag around men accidentally get stuck in it. I really, truly don’t understand why she would care what The Fat Man is doing with his pickle, and if anything would hope she wants him to find another warm pocket in which to put it. But then again, I am also starting to wonder whether The Fat Man even puts his pickle in Doritos’ pocket. Husky voice (and not in a sexy Demi way), man face; if I met her on the street I would completely assume she’s got a pickle, too. Nails get painted, Doritos establishes that she thinks Beth was a little harsh about Kristen being tweaked for not being invited to the birthday party, but she nonetheless thinks Kristen didn’t merit an invitation anyway. The middle: split.
Radzi and Kristen meet for “healthy drinks”, like those made with Apple Pucker, and a shared plate of air and cucumber slices. Radzi tells Kristen about Masterchef Junior and how they are “practically living together”, well, not really, but he brings his backpack over a lot. Also, Radzi hasn’t told the Kountess yet, which Kristen, despite being three glasses in, immediately recognizes as a “complication”. Radzi is unfazed. Perhaps she knows Masterchef is going to be grounded and sent to military school as soon as they are found out so she’s going to keep this going as long as possible before that happens.
So has returned home to check on the dog training intern and welcome Mo and her ever present bottle of RAMONA Pinot Grigio. So considers a glass of green juice but foregoes it in favor of the moonshine. So has invited Mo here because, even though she has expressed no empathy to her supposed best friend whatsoever, she knows she’s supposed to be concerned about her well-being and therefore has decided to invite Mo on a weekend in Atlantic City to celebrate Mo’s birthday. Because what wouldn’t make an over-50, soon-to-be-divorced gal happier than marking one more year over the hill in a decrepit casino in New Jersey? Mo is slightly apprehensive about going to New Jersey with just So and asks if the other girls can come. So says yes to Radzi, and okay to whoever else so long as no one asks her about her Empire of Nothing.
Doritos, meanwhile, is reading in her dorm room and plotting up a cocktail party to welcome herself to the franchise when her daughter gets out of the clown car and knocks on the door. What is happening in this room? Is it purple? It’s like it was furnished at the Anthropologie section of Goodwill a week after campus closed for the summer. Doritos thinks her party is going to be awesome, except Beth “can’t come away”, and Mo doesn’t like The Fat Man. And, the gold buckle on her face clutch doesn’t match the rose gold embellishments on her dominatrix costume. I have to say, coordinating my buckles is the sort of detail I get all caught up in, too.
Now that Kristen has Zoila’s cousin managing the kids, she’s decided to keep busy by launching a fashion blog, called “Last Night’s Look“. I have investigated this blog on all our behalf, and here’s what I have found out: 1) it is mostly about what her look was last night… on RHONY; 2) this is good because now our Google searches to source her amazing necklaces, in particular, will be that much shorter; and 3) she does not know how to spell her BFF Heather THOMSON’s last name.
Kristen has an intern staff to push her stroller full of shit, help her fully undress on street corners, and take the blog photos with her iPhone, editing out the accidental ladybits flash with the appropriate filter. This is the big time, folks.
Also in fashion, of course, is So, who is going to prove to Beth (who as far as she knows is the only non-Doubting Thomas among the ‘Wives) that her Empire of Nothing has something by inviting her to the SoShowroom for a meeting with her crack team of Sikh mafiosi. What Beth is able to confirm in this meeting is that there is a logo (nothing crazy, just an “S” interposed on an “M” that could have been slapped together at the neighborhood Alphagraphics, or possibly lifted from a porn site) and sketches of basic garments colored in So’s favorite shades of Leopard and Nude Camel.
The crack team plans to turn these concepts into reality by Summer 2015, which means they need to have clothes in stores in three months. Beth’s eyebrow goes up and she wants to know whether there are orders in place, where they are going to be sold, whether there’s a truck coming to pick them up and drive them there or an Amazon drone or are they Ubering themselves, what is the plan? The female henchperson barks that it’s all secret sauce, they have an 860 square foot warehouse and “know everything”, so STFU, bitch. Plus, you know, So won that “award” from Marc Jacobs back when she worked for him (Salesperson Of The Month; came with a designated parking place for her skateboard) so So Knows Fashion.
Beth is cowed and leaves with her able assistant, so perplexed that she actually consumes a dried out segment of Skinnygirl Poop while questioning why Holla, who “really knows the business”, wasn’t there instead of Beth. I think this is the White Flag of Shapewear being waved, folks. Beth is going to stake her claim as the Empress of Low Alcohol Adult Beverages and cede the province of Motion Control to her new not best friend. (Let’s be honest: the way things are going so far, if Beth doesn’t give Holla this bone there’s not much place for her here. Holla needs a purpose or she’s going FOH.)
It’s time for the Doritos Cocktail Hour, and either at this point in filming Mo was still not sure whether she was demoted or Full Housewife or she really didn’t get the memo about “cocktail attire” for cocktails and, apparently, forgot to wear a bra. The Kountess is up to code, as she always is, and So is even wearing cocktail spangles over her cocktail pooch as she swans in with her call boy in tow. Immediately, everyone piles on So for not inviting them to her Showroom Showdown and for inviting Beth instead, of all people. So insists Beth invited herself. Mo sizes up So’s voice as “grating and defensive”; I’m sizing it up as the usual.
Radzi waltzes in late wearing her Studio 54 red-and-black fur disco shrug and is immediately sat down by the Kountess. The Kountess is mad that Radzi is knocking boots with Masterchef, because it seems he not only used to bang Lu’s niece, but Lu’s niece has hung with Radzi and talked about her relationship with Masterchef. AND, the niece is supposed to be traveling with him to his farm in Nicaragua and now it’s all awkward! Radzi is making no apologies, but frankly I think she ought to be asking about test results and recent rashes and the like. And also: what are they farming in Nicaragua? Cocaine? Whatever, Lu’s all mad and Radzi’s all mad back, and really they should both be mad at Masterchef because he’s a manwhore and the one who owes the ladies a little more dignity. But of course, this is all nothing on the Twitterampage Lu is now on and can’t seem to get off.
The rest is boring compared to online. Much ado about Beth’s boring birthday party, So’s boy is outside smoking with a black girl in a Big Bird costume, Mo does pushups like Michelle Obama and declares she’d rather masturbate than do call boys, and SoMo bicker. Kristen and So make the bread for a Fat Sweating Man sandwich before Kristen runs away shrieking. So seemed to enjoy that more than I think anyone should have. It all ends with Doritos looking drunk, disheveled, and like Woodstock with that hair.
Next time: we are not going to get out of this trip to Atlantic City, you guys. {BIG SIGH}
