I did two of three days of a juice cleanse earlier this week (I quit early because the hungrage was getting to me. It was not good for the world.). I have done one before and loved it, but this time not so good, so I am partially cleansed, and still a little hangry. The only way I can handle a juice cleanse is by going to bed really, really early, so I finally got around to watching RHONY last night. I’m glad I did not stay up for that shiitake because I probably would have reached into the flat screen and throttled one of these annoying bitches.
Even Radzi is annoying me a bit, and she never bothers me. (Clearly the hangry hangover is still with me, or it could be the fact that someone in my office is wearing way too much perfume which is sending me around the bend. I am leaving after my 2 pm client for sure. PU.) She and Holla are meeting on the High Line to catch up on Radzi’s personal life (certainly not Holla’s; nothing to see here). It seems that Radzi has been knocking boots (and tripping balls) with Kountess Lu’s “chef”, who held her hair when she threw up in one of those commuter rickshaws on Halloween. Radzi thinks it’s cute to barf with a guy because it makes you “vulnerable”. I am sure Masterchef Junior does not see it that way. He’s 29, they are hanging out, as the kids say, and no she has not told the Kountess yet. She’s sure it will be no big deal.
Elsewhere, Beth is rolling into her hotel suite and jumping into a bondage jumpsuit to roll back out for her “easy, loose” birthday dinner. Anyone who watched Beth’s spinoff and witnessed her massive bathroom freakout on Jason for throwing her a very “loose” and sparsely-attended birthday cocktail party is having a hard time understanding why she is throwing herself this event, and how it will possibly be “easy”, but nonetheless we need a reason for a social gathering and this will be it. I do not like this bondage jumpsuit; I did, however, really dig the Brit flag wellies and want to know where I can get some. I also want super-skinny calves so they gap attractively like Beth’s do, and I am not getting those, either. Anyway, away the Skinnygirl Posse go, sharing one roadie. Lame. I’d want my own.
The birthday dinner is in a private room at some place called Monarch, and all the old bags are invited. All the old bags save Doritos; Kristen, who is neither old nor a bag, but in fact probably the only actual ‘housewife’ on this franchise, was not invited either. As this event took place the night after “single ladies night” in the back room of Boutique, all the old ladies are dragging their junior prom dates along with them, and Dominik has invited his roommate which is when I become completely and entirely certain that these prom dates are actually gay Bravo fans.
Despite their homosexuality, the youngsters totally miss Radzi’s “Jordache” reference as they are so young they know nothing of the brand. Radzi knows all about it because she was their fit model. Really? Learning new things about Radzi every day. Beth and her boobs give herself a toast and everyone dances on elevated surfaces, badly.
The next day at her teeny-tiny apartment (I love NYC, but could not live there), Kristen steps into her pretend office four feet to the right of the kitchen counter and takes a call from Holla, who tells her that Beth had a birthday party and she wasn’t invited. Kristen gets off and tells her nanny (who has already heard this, as she was standing right there) that she wasn’t invited to Beth’s easy, loose birthday party. Why not? “Who cares?” replies the nanny. Who indeed? I love this nanny! She’s like the East Coast Zoila!
Doritos is at her own teeny-tiny apartment with her rather unfortunate looking and apparently impossible daughter, Hannah. I have never seen Girls but I am going out on a limb here and saying that Hannah is one of whatever kind of hipster youth the show is meant to represent, if a UES version. Doritos is wearing a terribly unflattering aubergine fur bolero vest that had no chance – none whatsoever. Why would you spend money on something like that? Aubergine fur anything, let alone a bolero, let alone a bolero vest? It was never, ever going to work. Hannah, it seems, does not like Doritos’ fat dry cleaner, so she keeps them separate. Hannah, it seems, does not understand her mother’s taste in men, which runs to the overweight small-dog owning type. I’m coming to think I don’t understand Doritos’ taste in anything. Also, Doritos’ apartment is about twelve square feet bigger than the Taekmans’ which means Doritos’ housekeeper has the world’s easiest gig. Swiffer, Dustbuster, fold the Murphy bed into the wall, done.
Mo and her dog go take a meeting with a fearful looking fellow about her new involvement in his restaurant enterprise, Avenue of the Americas Express, which sounds like a chain of airport cafeterias. Mo tries to flirt with him and his visible unease grows. It seems they met at a party and this restaurant guy was “impressed” with Mo’s “business sense, social sense, and personality”. Or: his PR team told him he needed a celebrity endorser and Mo was all they could afford. She winks. He rolls his eyes.
It stinks in my office, dear Liza dear Liza.
Radzi is out on a date with Masterchef Junior to play ping pong in noted and acclaimed actress and cougar Susan Sarandon’s deserted ping pong club, Spin. I am familiar with Spin after it made a guest appearance on Project Runway Teams, and wonder if we will get to see any wait staff in ping pong themed kilts.
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Alas. We do, however, get to see Masterchef pedal off to lay pipe with Radzi perched atop his handlebars. No helmet!
Doritos is out on her own date with her fat dry cleaner and is mad at him again, this time for ordering for her. She should be mad she spent so much money on those incredibly unflattering ecru over-the-knee boots which simply accentuate her saddlebags. Beth could pull them off (and probably has them amidst her extensive and renowned boot wardrobe); Doritos cannot, and is too old for them anyway.
The fat dry cleaner and Doritos are going into business together with some sort of electronic clothing tag enterprise which will presumably eliminate the need for dry cleaners to write clients’ names on their clothes, a practice known to enrage but unavoidably necessary heretofore. Doritos muses aloud whether Hannah is going to approve of her being in business with the dry cleaner, which provokes a crack from Fat about Hannah being a raving bitch who controls her momma, which provokes Doritos to bark at Fat that he’s always going to be #2 and drink the remainder of her dinner. And thus Fat’s chances of getting laid tonight, at least by Doritos, are out the window. He eats her entree.
Next, Doritos, Holla, Beth, and Radzi are going out to dinner. Beth and Doritos bond about being the new girls (or, in Beth’s case, the secondhand one), and Doritos and Radzi bond about being young widows. Beth, ever in a business frame of mind, barks that they need to “rebrand” widowhood. What? Apparently Radzi has to go to London to retrieve her late husband’s remains because they are building condos on the site of the church where his ashes are interred. Meep! Doritos tells the girls that Hannah hates Fat and has only seen him three times in the 2.5 years she has been dating him, and wants mom to unload him. At least Doritos hasn’t had to buy him new teeth, as far as we know.
Holla tells Beth (who she calls ‘Beth’, which establishes conclusively that Beth hates being called ‘Beth’, which delights me to no end) that Kristen was hurt not to be invited to Beth’s birthday party. (Doritos, on the other hand, couldn’t give a shit if she tried.) Beth cannot be bothered with this shiitake and responds with a Vic Gunvalson Fake Nap, complete with snoring. Apparently Holla thinks Beth should have invited Kristen because she is under the impression that Beth and Josh go way back; Beth insists she’s only met Josh five times in ten years. Holla insists that’s more times than Beth has met Radzi, but see Beth and Radzi were having fun at Singles Night just the night before so it was a spontaneous invite. And: Beth didn’t invite Gummi Bear, so there! It went on for a while but I got bored.
Next time: Lu gets super mad that Radzi is boning Masterchef Junior. Something else happens with Doritos and Lu, and So previews her “fashion line” exclusively for Beth. GASP.
