My radio silence for the last two weeks was due to my annual exodus to the Bravo-free zone, where the squawks of obnoxious giant flying rats, also known as Canadian geese, replace the barks of Queen B each late summer. We’ve returned, and to commemorate my children’s first day of the school year yesterday my evening was capped off with a detour to Palm Beach, where the ‘Wives are gathered to “celebrate” The Kountess and Tom’s impending marital bliss, the Queen’s vag having declared another, more desirable trip to Hawaii cancelled. She’s not even in Palm Beach for this event so I don’t understand why the other vags can’t go to the Aloha State without hers. Chaka Khan knows I wouldn’t want to have to go to Hawaii with Queen B, with or without her gyny issues. She’s a fangs-bared muskrat this season.
So apparently this party, like so many Housewives parties, is going to take place on a yacht. Why is that? Perchance for the view, perchance because there are limited venues willing to participate in this shitshow? SoMo and Radzi are down in a cabin gossiping and stalling their big entrance. While they connive, a curious mix of pocket gays, salivating Viagra users, and a Palm Beach doyenne or two assemble with our betrothed Lu and Tom. So is feeling a little conflicted about being here to celebrate her old bootknocker getting married to her former houseguest, which makes a certain amount of sense both directly and in considering the Ethical Mores of LuAnn De Lesseps: it’s unseemly for her houseguest (Radzi) to take up with The Help, but it’s okay for her as a houseguest to take up with her host’s occasional pipelayer. Radzi romantically muses that “in another age”, So and Tom’s horizontal encounters would make them “lovers”; what does that even mean? In this age they are just middle-aged farts in need of a hump? Basically. Up the stairs they go.
I was pretty taken aback by So’s eye-popping cleavage in her 1990s Elizabeth Hurley bondage dress, but that was before SoMo encountered the bounteous “Kimberly” and her mighty assets on the stair landing. Or Doritos, who appears to have neglected to put on her pants. So declares the crowd “iffy” and not real Palm Beach, and having met “Kimberly” I have to agree. Lu realizes the ‘Wives have emerged and tries very hard to ignore them, physically blocking Mo’s access to Tom, causing her to peep under the Kountess’ armpit and holler “HELLO!”. Radzi, not really friends with the Happy Couple or anyone else, is delighted to be here for the sideshow anyway.
While Doritos tellingly tries to connect Julie Toothpick with a random available dude for a quickie, and So considers showing a Sopranos/Harry Caray hybrid what she isn’t wearing under her gown, Radzi tells Tom, who is trying SOHARD not to talk to SoMo that she needs the information of his “diamond guy” for a girlfriend who is getting engaged. HMMM. How I wonder whether that relates to this. Julie Toothpick, apparently bored, decides to elevate things by playing Cocktail behind the bar while the exasperated bartender commands that she may NOT throw the shaker into the air, dammit! Mo shows her recently retrained dancing skills by whirling like a dervish, alone. Finally a tiny cake is presented and Doritos makes a drunken, slurring toast to “MAWWAIGE”. The Kountess suggests Doritos do the “elegant” thing and quietly disappear below deck. G’night, y’all!
In the morning, we see The Kountess walking Tom toward the mainland and getting totally dissed when she tried to give him an affectionate smooch, while Julie Toothpick calls home and finds out Tiny Husband is still not there and the kids are still dumped with his parents. What the grandparents think about their son’s priorities is unaddressed. Meanwhile, Doritos wakes Radzi up at about noon and is shocked to realize her roommate was sleeping in the near-nude right there next to her! What if there’s a fire?! Mo joins them and now we can talk about Tom.
One fascinating thing we learned last night was that the dinner party where The Kountess “introduced” Tom was not the first time we’ve met this gentleman; flash back to the first season of filming, when Mo was the first to encounter a prowling, eager bald guy out on the town picking up chicks. Tom’s been circling for years!
Further, Radzi is now here to confirm Mo’s account that she did in fact go out with Tom many more times than the “one or two” (which is it?) dinners Tom now claims, proven by the fact that Radzi first met Tom when he was out with Mo on their third or fourth date. Mo and Tom may not have done the deed, but he did draw “RS+TD” hearts on various of her appendages and attempt to lure her to his apartment to teach her “backgammon”. Mo found him funny and nice but there was no chemistry. She insists she does not care that he’s now with Lu, just finds it all very peculiar, especially in light of his history with So, and speaking of her erstwhile BFF goes off to find her and confirms that yes, having been encouraged to weave herself into the situation So is in fact feeling quite sorry for herself today.
The Kountess, however, couldn’t give a shit about So if she tried, but once Doritos reports that the Downstairs crew is busy rehashing all aspects of The History of Tom And Who Forked Him becomes furious that Mo, who The Kountess invited aboard to celebrate their engagement, is continuing to foment speculation about The Groom, she has a real shitfit to throw at Mo, and she does. The Kountess storms downstairs and starts shrieking at Mo like an enraged mother of ill-behaved children that she needs to STOP talking about Tom and STOP generally being a jealous bitch. “Let’s talk about YOUR inappropriateness,” Mo retorts, and it’s on.
Apparently, some reporter asked The Kountess for comment about Mo’s history with Tom, and The Kountess not only confirmed that there was a history but took it a step further and confused the reporter into reporting that MO was Tom’s Friend With Benefits whereas SO was the one who only wanted to learn backgammon. The Kountess attempts to deny but Mo goes and fetches the clipping and shakes it in Lu’s face, shrieking about how The Kountess “perpetuated” this misinformation, putting Mo’s “name in the press” where she does not want it to be and screwing up her “discreet dating life”, even though all this crap is going to be shown on the show and widely reported for months. So is now feeling sorry for herself that she’s long since forgotten. They stomp upstairs for brunch on deck, where The Kountess and Mo yell at each other some more, eventually including resentful Nopologies, SoMo weakly fake tears over So’s “heartbreak”, and they flash topless military guys as they set off for Miami. Le Sigh.
Up in Miami, Our Lady of Skin and Bones explodes into her hotel room clad only in a bikini and hooker heels and throws on a coordinating caftan. Normal people cover up to tromp through the public areas of the hotel, not stride through like it’s their own private fitness competition only to put some clothes on in private. She phones up her co-conspirator, Radzi, to ominously inform her that she got the “incriminating texts” and is ready to derail The Happy Couple. The Queen has “no one else to turn to” to assist her in the takedown.
The happier gals arrive and find their rooms, with The Kountess conveniently receiving the wrong key and letting herself into Queen B’s lair, where The Queen launches her attack with an incredulous inquiry. Is she really marrying this guy? Does she really think it’s a good idea? Does she really know him? How well? Is she SURE she can trust him? Is this some sort of open relationship “European” deal like The Kountess had with The Kount? Hmmm? HMMM?! The Kountess, shocked, starts to stammer and extricates herself, writing the interrogation off as a result of The Queen’s nasty divorce, that’s all.
When The Kountess leaves, Radzi darts in, with Mo sneaking in on her heels just before the door closes shut, and they get The Report:
- Tom’s money is all inherited or borrowed and he isn’t really independently wealthy by his own efforts.
- He dates only wealthy women in hopes it will rub off.
- The Queen’s secret source caught him making out with a Playboy Playmate for one hour in a public bar of The Regency Hotel just days ago, and has provided The Queen with photo evidence to prove it.
FACTS. These are FACTS, according to Bethenny The Spy. The Photo is proof, never mind that unless The Queen is some sort of hacker she really has no way to know whether the photo was ACTUALLY taken when she was told it was. The Queen does not know what to do. She just wants to keep things superficial and wait till August when it airs nationwide. No, no, she HAS to tell The Kountess. Go get her! Go get her, minions!
Next time: more caca about So’s shenanigans with Tom and the timing thereof, which I thought we had established we cannot care less about? The Kountess loses it on a cocktail cruise. The Queen calls Tom and demands he account for himself, and Julie Toothpick belts it out on a trumpet. At least someone’s gonna have a good time.
