Here we go, kids! We pick up with Queen B, still inexplicably in her thong despite all the heavy bleeding we’ve been forced to endure discussion of for weeks on end (don’t forget: we couldn’t go to Hawaii because of her gyney issues so we had to come here to boring old Miami), as she exposes Fiance Tom for the cad he is to The Kountess in her stripey rainbow housedress. She’s not only in her thong, she’s pointing the business end right at poor Lu.
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The Kountess is not only unprepared to learn a bad thing about the man she barely knows but is about to marry, because she likes to plunge in headfirst like that, but she also has forgotten her room card and ends up trapped in the hallway with the Bravo camera crew. “Oh f*cking hell,” she barks, barging into Doritos’ room and locking the cameraman out. They are still miked, however, and The Kountess tells Doritos that Fiance Tom got busted and the Queen knows about it.
The Queen, meanwhile, having had her big moment in the spotlight has now put some clothes on, and when The Kountess ping-pongs back to her room to follow up texts her The Photo. She is very, very sorry, but the fact is that Tom, who was utterly blootered, made out with this chick for over an hour right in front of the Regency bar and then ditched her with the bill for whatever he managed to imbibe in between slobbers. Doritos and Julie Toothpick are astounded; could the photo be old? No, the Queen made sure she had a timestamp. And also confirmation from the general manager, the bartenders, bystanders, and whoever else she could drum up to support this campaign. Doritos is aghast and disgusted, and can’t understand why this couldn’t have been handled in a quieter, gentler manner rather than dragged out to the end of the weekend for a full-blown dramatic expose, and that makes two of us.
Team It’s Really All About Me, however, fully supports the Queen’s tactics, because (a) as Mo knows firsthand, it’s better to find out from a non-friend on nationally-broadcast television as opposed to a writeup in Page Six, which is a distinction without a meaningful difference in my book (and for that matter, I think RHONY has a far bigger audience and the moment of reveal is actually on display, so in those respects this is so much worse in so many ways), and (b) they know what side their bread is buttered on. #teamB. “Give me one of those bottles!” shrieks Queen B, who is handed the requisite bottle of Skinnygirl and begins to chug directly from it, label facing the camera.
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All of this torment and drama and excuse-making and product-placement continues for a solid 15+ minutes until we finally leave Miami behind. On the one hand, the Kountess appears to have realized that not knowing Fiance Tom all that well means she really has no idea whether he has motives for pursuing her that may be more financial and practical than romantic. Also, he may be a bit of a sot. On the other, she really really really really wants to get married, ideally on her own Bravo special. What to do?
So back to NYC we go to wrap this up, and The Kountess, embroidered butt wings and all, checks into a hotel to regather her wits apart from that sloggard. She’s gonna keep him after all, but they need to work things through to convince the world she’s not just putting up with his shittake. Part of their strategy is to put Doritos in play, conspiring with not one but TWO Regency Hotel waiters who are going to deny that the well-documented and -investigated public snogging happened at all, which Tom, Trumplike, thinks is actually gonna work. Doritos tells Mo all this when Mo makes a housecall to Doritos who is wrapped up in green JLo velour and recuperating from the Zika she picked up in Miami. Mo is shocked that they think such an idiot plot would actually work at this point, and doesn’t get why admitting it and moving on isn’t a viable option? Doritos says she told Tom she wasn’t going to participate in this charade, who shouted back that she was going to get uninvited from the unlikely-to-actually-occur wedding spinoff and slammed the phone in her ear. So there! (Queen B and Radzi discuss the same at the Skinnycave, and it appears their short-lived shared empathy has turned to scathing disgust with The Kountess’ motives and choices.)
Also: the Queen is hosting the Finale Party, which is going to be a fiesta featuring a whole lotta GIANT WATERMELONS. I wonder if this could possibly, just maybe have something to do with the carefully coordinated public launch of Skinnygirl Watermelon Lime Margarita that – oh my goodness! – just happened last week?!
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The Queen is even supporting the watermelon theme by letting her factory-installed melons hang out the front of her very Halston plunging jumpsuit and adjusting the alignment of the ones Mo bought after the divorce while she’s at it. Everyone is here, including the pretend boyfriend (So’s new fuckbuddy Rocco, who I actually think swings the other direction), the loathsome drycleaner (Big Fat John, permitted attendance via Production waiver), the Help (who mercifully eliminated the man bun), and the next Househusband to get the predestined RH divorce papers, Mr. Toothpick, who pre-filing arrives as the meat in the Julie/Lu midget sandwich. The only relevant person who is not here is Fiance Tom, who no doubt refused to come and who The Kountess is determined to avoid talking about even as she is committed to “clearing the air” with Bethenny The Spy.
To that end, cocktail hour commenced, The Kountess stalks up to the entire assembled remaining cast, who are discussing the Skinnygirl Watermelon Lime Margarita Pinata full of $10K worth of jewelry that the ‘Wives and ‘Wives ONLY will be permitted to smash and grab imminently, and barks at The Queen to stop talking about her or she’s LEAVING! Fine, the Queen says, no pinata for you even though we weren’t talking about you anyway!
This party, as with every Finale Party, is about tidying up loose ends and embedding others in cement blocks that will be thrown into the Hudson and left for dead. Doritos demands an apology she does not get from The Kountess, who makes smoochy-nice with The Help and ignores Radzi, which seems fine by her. The Queen and Julie Toothpick attempt to resolve what outstanding issues may remain after the dinner confrontation provoked by The Village Shitstirrer, Doritos, who gets yelled at and has her damp armpits patted dry by Mo, who manages to stay out of most of it all. So is stymied by tamales at the buffet and The Queen snaps at the caterer for deigning to serve “vegetarian ceviche”, which isn’t really a thing.
And finally, after they all crowd into the “photo booth” for cheesy snaps taken with carefully curated props tied to season 8 themes, The Kountess and The Queen have it out over Fiance Tom. Fiance Tom is still the fiance, they are determined to make it, and The Queen declares it “sad” that The Kountess has no respect for herself. The Kountess retorts that The Queen is not to talk about Tom anymore, Queen B says don’t worry, I won’t, and The Kountess leaves in a dramatic huff while the rest of the ‘Wives bat down that pinata and claim the hoochie jewels inside before toasting to men who steal from them which seems a thinly-disguised swipe at one recently-eliminated Skinnyboy. The End.
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So after allllllll that, I really don’t think this dramatic reveal of Tom’s Secret Snogging was all that interesting let alone worthy of three extra episodes. The Queen is now busy running her mouth that if she had to do it again she wouldn’t say anything (always a pro at having it both ways!) the reunion is going to be super-dramatic and hinting she might quit this whole three-ring shitshow. Will we be so lucky? I stopped drinking Skinnygirl a while ago, and I am not really into Bethenny After Ever After Forever. She’s just not my girls’ kind of girl.
See you next week on the couches!
